mock tales
by the blanket
Summary: AU. SasuSaku. TEQUILA THREE: AU. SasuSaku. NaruIno. Sasuke, Sakura and a special sort of body shop. “You did accept the bet you know—and you lost. Fair and square. It’s only fair that you take the consequences.”
1. shot one

**title:** shot one**  
pairing: **SasuSaku  
**prompt:** You will see if you read. XD This particular one is for Annie Sparklecakes, AKA, starburst.

**notes:** The beginning of a hopefully, very short, SasuSaku **oneshot** collection. All of these stories will involve alcohol in one form or another, but not necessarily inebriation. Perhaps more than alcohol—and promises of indecent exposure—every piece in this collection will have more than a heaping dose of mockery, hence my cleverly not-clever title. Beyond that, there is nothing that really ties them together. Ahem. Anyway, unless noted, each oneshot will be UNRELATED to the one that came before, and I will avoid doing any two-parters.

Ahem.

I started this in the middle of the night. Pinaface—that is, _ohwhatsherface_—gets mad props and she knows why.

And the beginning might recall my first chapter of _cherry apple wine_, but it does deviate quite soon afterward. :)

**summary:** AU. SasuSaku. Today, I kissed my teacher. Which wasn't nearly as mortifying as the fact that I spilled my drink on him last night. FML.

**disclaimer:** _Naruto_ isn't mine.

* * *

In retrospect, the fourth shot of tequila had, perhaps, not been her best and brightest idea.

Sakura shook off this brief flash of reason with another sip of the rum and coke in her left hand_. It's a night for celebrations_, she'd decided earlier, when she'd been in the Land of the Sober. Tomorrow would be her first day as a graduate student at Konoha University, a school with a sterling reputation.

_Yes, _she thought, _a little gloating_ _is hardly uncalled for._

"Right you are, Forehead," came a voice to her right accompanied by a brief flash of white-blonde hair. _Ino_, her mind supplied helpfully, if a bit belatedly. Sakura only barely caught the tail end of what her best friend was saying.

"…And you _obviously_ need another drink if you're still speaking like someone fresh out of finishing school. _Seriously,_" Ino finished matter-of-factly.

Sakura blinked blearily, before shaking her head in an attempt to clear it of its fog.

"What are you talking about? Right about what, Ino-pig," she asked.

Ino gave her a blank look, and smiled as she shook her head.

"Maybe you're a bit further along than I thought," she murmured, looking at Sakura contemplatively.

Sakura brought her empty shot glass to the table with a more force than was strictly necessary to sound her agreement.

"Well, that settles it—you said it yourself, Ino-pig. I'm about done for the night. I think my next round's going to have to be just plain seltzer if I want to get home." She was stopped during her descent from the barstool by a pale hand.

"Not so fast," Ino said, her lips curved in a mischievous smirk that Sakura knew _she_ would regret later. "I said you were further along than I thought—"

"Right," Sakura said, clearly confused. "Which is why you should let me go—"

"—but," Ino continued, as though Sakura hadn't said anything at all, "I said nothing about you going home. Not yet, anyway."

"I don't follow you," Sakura said, the barest flush of lucidity returning to her.

Ino didn't reply, and after repeated attempts to call her attention, Sakura followed her friend's eyes to see what had struck her so silent.

At the sight, she drew in a deep breath.

He was all pale skin and dark eyes, his long fingers wrapped snugly around a single glass of red wine. His red tie was loose around his neck, and the first two buttons of his pristine white dress shirt were open—something which drew Sakura's gaze for far longer than she cared to admit. Sakura thought he looked remarkably at ease with the fact that he was the only silent patron in the madding crowd.

"No," Ino said finally, breaking Sakura out of her reverie. "But a few more shots, and I bet you'd follow _him_."

"_Ino_," Sakura squeaked out, clearly horrified.

"What? It's true, isn't it? Not that it'd be such a bad thing, you know. When was the last time you—"

"That," Sakura interrupted hotly, "is none of your business, Ino-pig."

The only reply she got was a single raised brow.

She signaled to the bartender for two more shots—one, she insisted, for_ "Dutch courage"_, and another for_ "Irish luck"_—and after all but forcing it down her best friend's throat, Ino gave Sakura a gentle nudge to the other end of the bar, where _"your would-be conquest"_ sat nursing his own, decidedly lonely, drink.

-

"Hey baby, what's your sign?"

Uchiha Sasuke snorted into his Bloody Mary. It was the third time he'd heard that line in the past hour, and—he glanced at the scantily-clad woman who'd spoken, the same one he'd noticed giving one of the bouncers at the door more than just the obligatory kiss-kiss to beat the line—the seventh brunette who'd approached him since he'd entered the club. All he wanted was a night out to himself before the start of the next term. He figured he'd earned it—his research had been going splendidly, and with the arrival of his newest _pet-project_ the next day, progress could only come quicker. Was it too much to ask for a night without the usual parade of harpies?

He should have known better than to expect he'd go unspoken to for the night.

"Do not enter," he replied shortly.

Shut down thus scathingly delivered, Sasuke turned back to his drink, ignoring the pout on the brunette as she walked away, and finally—_finally—_left him to his own devices.

"Well that wasn't very sporting of you."

He stopped with his drink midway to his mouth, and sighed. Really? Was she _really_ going to come back for more? He turned to face the voice, and opened his mouth to retort, before stopping short at the sight that met his eyes.

A woman—looking barely old enough to be in any club legally—in a dress the same shade as her eyes, with tousled pink hair looked steadily back at him. The flush on her face could have been the result of either a few hours spent on the crowded dance floor, or, more than a few rounds at the bar.

"Who are you," he said gruffly.

The stranger ignored his question, and went on. "What if she were feeling very vulnerable tonight?"

He observed her silently for a while, and then snorted.

"Her boyfriend's one of the bouncers," he said dryly, not knowing why he was obliging her by answering her questions. "Which one of us is vulnerable again?"

"Hm," she said, taking the empty seat beside him. "Still, it wouldn't have hurt to be a little nicer, you know? Girls like it when guys are nice to them."

The soft slurring of her words told him quite decisively that it was the bar that gave her that rosy flush.

"Do they," he said, noncommittally. "Be that as it may, I only take advice from people whose names I know—that is, not-strangers."

For a brief moment, almost immediately after the words left his mouth, Sasuke wondered why he'd even asked. Then, he brushed the thought aside—it didn't matter why he wanted to know, and he wasn't going to waste his time thinking about it. All that mattered was that he did and—

"My name's Sakura," she said, very rudely interrupting his thought processes. "And my friend told me I'm supposed to seduce you tonight since tomorrow's the last day of the rest of my life. But I don't seduce _strangers_," she finished, blatantly throwing his own words back in his face. "Your loss, I suppose."

Sasuke gave her a look designed solely to irritate, coupled with a thorough once-over that he hoped pronounced her decidedly…_lacking._

"No, not really. I prefer my women sober and dignified, thanks," he replied, smirking at her.

-

At his—_teasing;_ she wasn't quite sure—quip, Sakura felt her mouth drop in mingled shock and horror.

"Just what are you implying, you…you…"

"At a loss for words, are we," he said snidely. "Have you run out of the ones you already know? Should I help you out with some, maybe?"

Oh, but he was absolutely infuriating when he was looking at her so condescendingly. Especially, Sakura tried hard not to think, _especially when he looks so good doing it._

"_Excuse me,_" she squeaked out, unable to control the pitch her voice had taken.

-

Sasuke hadn't had this much fun in _ages_.

He looked at Sakura's rapidly reddening face in amusement. So maybe he was wrong—maybe he _was_ channeling tonight's disappointments with the opposite sex (because was it really so hard to believe that he was just _not_ interested?) into inducing Sakura's apoplectic fit.

That didn't make annoying the hell out of Sakura any less entertaining.

-

"You heard me," the stranger—for it occurred to Sakura in that moment that she had yet to get his name—"I won't judge, don't worry."

Sakura leaned into him, feeling more sober than she had in a long while. She was childishly gratified by the way he backed away, just so, in response.

"Tomorrow," she began slowly, so that he would understand. "I start my first term as a graduate student under Professor Sasuke Uchiha at Konoha University. He, as may or may not know, is a highly regarded professor in his field of study—a child prodigy who flew through his schooling so fast that he can't be more than a year older than me. And that man," she continued, oblivious to the stranger's sudden coughing fit. "He picked _me_ to be his next protégé, based on my resume and my application alone." She took his sudden sharp intake of breath as shocked surprise. "Now, normally I wouldn't give this information out to a total stranger, but you, with your…your insinuations of my stupidity, and your general intolerance for the other people around you, who are, by the way, just trying to have a good time—not that you'd know anything about that, judging by the way you shot down that poor girl a few minutes ago—have made me so…ugh, _angry_, that I can't even be bothered to think of a better word for how I'm feeling right now. So _no_, Mr. Whoever-You-Are, I do _not_ need you to give me any new words. As you may have noticed, I know enough to get by, _thanks_, and I have better people to get my validation from besides _you."_

She finished her tirade a little breathless, still ignoring the near-gaping man beside her, and asked the bartender for a glass of ice water. When he slid it down to her, Sakura took one sip of it, and without warning, poured the rest of it all over her companion.

"There," she said triumphantly. "That should cool you off."

To her surprise, instead of the storming off she'd expected, or even the cursing that would have signified the angry reaction she hoped for, the stranger chuckled. He shook his head once, twice, spraying her with droplets—and looking less like the drowned chicken she thought he'd resembled, and more like a fashion model on location in the midst of a spring shower.

Sakura gaped, her mouth falling open in shock, now truly at a loss for words.

"But, you…"

"I am so glad that you did that," he said, now leaning into her, so closely that their breaths mingled, and the different shades of gray that made up the color of his eyes were now more than apparent to her. Sakura sucked in a breath at his sudden closeness. He looked unperturbed by the water making its way down the bridge of his nose. "You have no idea."

He stood, and patted himself dry with a towel the laughing bartender had given to him after Sakura's rampage, and with a single finger, tapped Sakura's open jaw shut. His touch lingered for a moment on her bottom lip, and he smirked at the flush that reclaimed her face.

"Kankuro," he said, addressing the bartender without taking his eyes off of his single, captive audience. "Buy her another of whatever she had before the water, and put it on my tab. Believe me," he finished, now directing his words to Sakura, "you'll need it."

Then, he smiled, almost serenely.

"I should probably add something to my list of what makes women attractive," he said blandly. "What was it, again? Oh, right. I said I liked sobriety, dignity…and let's see." He gave her another brief, yet decidedly penetrating, glance.

"I think I'll add idiocy to that list."

"Idiocy," Sakura repeated blankly.

"Right," Sasuke replied. "I find idiocy charming—but only when it has pink hair."

He released her from his hold as he backed away, and slid his arms into jacket.

"Good night, Sakura," he said, almost mockingly. "I daresay we'll meet again, soon."

He turned to walk away, but stopped at the sudden soft _thump _that met his ears.

Sakura, it seemed, had fainted.

-

Sasuke sighed as he carried her with one arm under her bent knees, and another under her neck. After he'd gotten his bearings, he adjusted her so she was in a fireman's carry, slung over his shoulder so that his right hand was free. For a moment, he cursed his chivalrous upbringing, and wondered why he was even bothering with a girl who'd done nothing but insult him—and then, he allowed, complimented him, but that didn't count since she didn't know it was _him_ she'd been speaking about, anyway—since he'd met her.

Implying he was "rude," and outright saying he was "intolerant"…

Sasuke was tempted to drop her where he stood.

Then, he visualized the hangover his current burden would wake up to, as well as the mortification she would feel when she eventually remembered all the things she'd said to him tonight

And the _look_ on her face, when she walked into his classroom tomorrow…

It was a pleasure too blissful to contemplate.

With these happy thoughts in mind, Sasuke exited the bar—unconscious passenger in tow—and went off to find the blonde girl he'd seen her speaking to earlier in the night.

-

Ino turned away from the charming blond man she was speaking to at the feel of two fingers tapping against her shoulder. To her surprise, it was the marble statue she and Sakura had been ogling earlier, and—

At the sight of her best friend slung over the man's shoulder, Ino gaped.

"What—"

"I think this is yours," he said simply, gesturing to the sleeping, green-clad figure he was carrying.

"What'd you do to her, you creep," Ino yelled indignantly, stepping down from her bar stool. "Do you like your women unconscious?"

"No," he shot back, unamused. "I like them sober, thanks. I figured she didn't want to be mauled, so I brought her over to you. She's yours, isn't she? Or did I pick the wrong blonde bimbo? There are so many here tonight, you'll have to forgive my confusion if I did. "

Ino narrowed her eyes at him, and the blond man she'd been speaking to, backed away in alarm.

"You total prick!"

In response, he snorted.

"You're lucky I even bothered after she spilled that water all over me."

"And I'm sure," Ino said waspishly, "that you did something to deserve it!"

Without another word to anyone, Ino took Sakura from the stranger's lax hold and stomped off in the general direction of the exit.

-

The next morning was a flurry of activity as Sakura hurried to get her things together for her first day at Konoha U.

In her head, she cursed hangovers, Ino, liquor, Ino, blackouts, Ino, and a single strange man whose face she couldn't recall, but whose annoyingly superior voice she could.

"Idiocy my ass," she muttered, as she locked the door before leaving.

"Thank God I'm never going to have to see _him_ again."

She paused.

"Even if he was sort of cute."

-

The classroom was blissfully empty when she arrived, and as she'd planned on the way to work, she took the seat directly in front of the professor's desk, having found during her experiences in high school that it was the place most conducive to her learning.

Sakura unpacked her laptop, satisfied when she saw the full battery bar. Luckily, she'd had the foresight to leave it charging before going out with Ino the night before.

At the reminder of last night, she blanched. Ino had told her precious little of what had happened when Sakura had called her on her way to class. Her voice though, had been annoyingly smug, when she'd intimated that _something_—and her fairly _singing_ the word left a bad taste in Sakura's mouth—involving a glass of ice water, and a "perfectly prime piece of ass—_and, Sakura-darling, I_ _do mean_ 'ass'"—had occurred.

She shuddered delicately as she opened a blank document on her word processor, determined to forget all about it.

_Or rather,_ she corrected herself, _forget it more thoroughly than I have already. _

Two more students filtered in, and by the time class started, there were a grand total of three students in the class, including her.

And, Sakura noticed, she was the only girl.

"Professor's very selective isn't he," the man beside her said aloud. As their companion—a man with dark, slanted eyes, who had his hair tied back in a perfectly functional sort of way—was dozing on and off, Sakura could only assume the comment was directed at her. He, she couldn't help but notice, had the palest eyes she'd ever seen on anyone in her life.

She opened her mouth to respond, only to be beaten to it by the very same low drawl she'd resolved to forget.

"That's right, Hyuuga. I take only the best into my class, since I don't believe in wasting my breath."

Sakura felt her stomach sink somewhere to the vicinity of her knees as he turned those dark eyes onto her and smirked.

"Though," he continued mockingly, "I'll say I'm different from other teachers you might find here at KU in that I do allow for moments of…_idiocy_. Isn't that right, Haruno?"

Sakura, who'd been trying in vain to stay unnoticed by The Voice, was forced to look up at the direct address.

"Yes? I mean," she squeaked, "_yes_. Exactly."

The grin that met her eyes was feral, more a baring of teeth than anything else, though Sakura could not deny seeing more than a hint of amusement in his eyes.

Thankfully, it seemed that he'd had enough of reminiscing, as he suddenly regained the apathy he'd walked in with; any mirth he'd had was swept away for another day.

"Very well, then. Let's begin."

-

_Ino,_

_By the time you get this email—a throwback, I hope you'll notice, to all those times we used to pass notes to each other in grade school—I'll be Dead by Way of Mortification. And no, this isn't me being dramatic—because that is _your_ forte, whether or not you believe me—because I am never that. I'm just telling you the truth, as gracefully as my limited time will allow. _

_(And _don't even start _with me about how "normal people" don't type complete sentences into their emails. Or, that they don't use words like "Mortification. I have never claimed to be normal, and as you know, it causes me physical pain to even _see_ "words" like "u," or "ur," or whatever the "hip, 'in,'" spelling is now. My apologies in advance, but you and your silly laptop will have to live with my coherency.)_

_What I'm trying to say is that Adonis-from-last-night—as in, the guy you told me to hit on—IS MY TEACHER, FML. _

_(Yes, I know, who knew someone who looks the way he does could actually have a _mind_?)_

_And Oh my God, Ino, he recognized me, and _Oh My God. _I don't even know. I'm in a state of hysteria. All I'm saying, is thank God for Blackberry Curves because they allow me to release my frustrations via text without those stupid "YOU HAVE REACHED THE MAXIMUM OF CHARACTERS THE MESSAGE WILL ALLOW" notifications that stupid Nokia seemed to give me after my every other vowel._

_Whatever. My point is that clearly, I was not meant to soar into the annals of academic greatness. _

_At least, not because of my mentor, Uchiha Sasuke—as in, the man (with the greatest ass this side of Paradise) I complimented and insulted all in the span of one breath._

_I amaze even myself, sometimes._

_You can help yourself to my condo, and everything in it. I won't need it where I'm going. Just bury me in my Louboutins because while I love you, I don't love you enough to allow you to upstage me at my own funeral._

_Check my teeth for lipstick, please—I would, but well, you know._

_Love,  
Sakura_

-

At the end of class, Sakura shot up with little prompting, and busied herself with packing her things while Neji Hyuuga and Shikamaru Nara spent their time schmoozing with one Professor Sasuke Uchiha. She'd packed all but her external hard drive, and was close to the door before he called out to her, stopping her mid-step, her hand already halfway to the doorknob.

"Please stay behind, Haruno. Gentlemen," he said, addressing his next words to Neji and Shikamaru, "until next time."

The two, taking his words for the dismissal they were—Sakura supposed they weren't grad students for _nothing_ then—walked out of the classroom with carefully concealed looks of confusion on their faces, as though they'd suddenly realized that they were late for an appointment they couldn't remember making.

After their footsteps had gotten far enough down the hallway outside the door, Sasuke sat down and allowed a smirk to make its way across his lips.

"Before you say anything,_ I _would just like to say that," Sakura began slowly—as she was determined to keep her voice free from any inflections that might give her away—"I was exceptionally drunk last night, and I don't actually remember what I said to you," she finished, lying through her teeth.

Sasuke tapped his fingers against his oak desk, looking supremely unaffected, and decidedly unconvinced.

"Right. Tell me, Sakura. Do you make it a habit of offering your unmentionables to _all_ men? Or was I simply _uncommonly_ lucky last night?"

Sakura's jaw dropped in horror at his pointed choice of words.

"I didn't," she squeaked, clearly mortified.

After a few moments, Sasuke allowed himself to smirk.

"No," he agreed lowly. "But the way the evening was going, I'm sure you would have."

Sakura flushed pink, but made an admirable effort to recover.

"Really," she said, a note of challenge in her voice. "Would that have been before or _after_ I spilled the water on your crotch?"

His lips quirked even more at her slip, and the end result looked more like a half-smile than the mocking expression of barely concealed derision she'd been treated to so frequently the night before.

"Aa," he said simply. "So, you _do_ remember some of it, don't you?"

"Only that one, brief, shining moment," she replied, acidly. "It gets a little blurry after that."

"I do have that effect on women sometimes," he answered blandly. Sakura, however, saw what seemed to be amusement lurking behind the indifference.

The sight of it infuriated her.

"You're certainly confident in your ability to attract the fairer sex," she said huffily, trying in vain to forget that she herself had given him more than enough reason to be so.

Sasuke scoffed—he found himself doing that around this Haruno Sakura.

"I did get _you _last night, didn't I?"

Sakura suppressed an unladylike snort.

"Hardly," she snapped back. "You got three strawberry daiquiris, four shots of tequila, and two Rum-and-Cokes. I just happened to be the container."

"Whatever I got last night is turning out to be a lot more charming than you," he said silkily, leaning back in his seat.

"I'm not here to be _charming_," she said coldly. "I'm here to be your _student_."

Suddenly, Sasuke stopped and leaned in, resting his chin on the interlocked knuckles of his hands. He considered her with his dark, dark eyes, and Sakura had the uncomfortable feeling that she was being thoroughly inspected.

"Tomorrow," he said aloud, as though he'd forgotten she was even in the room. "I'll wait until tomorrow, but no longer."

Sakura looked at him, confused by the sudden lack of insults.

"Tomorrow? You'll wait until tomorrow for _what_," she asked defensively, wondering what it was he had in mind now.

_"_Tomorrow," Sasuke said, "I'm recommending that you transfer into Professor Hatake's class."

Sakua gaped at him, unable to process what he was saying. She tried to reply, tried in vain to express her confusion at having been let go before she'd even begun—at having been "released" into the mentorship of _the_ Kakashi Hatake who himself had molded Sasuke into the visionary he was now, into the scholar whose reputation was surpassed only be his master's.

"Wha—" Sakura tried again, unable to complete the word.

"Your references are excellent, and you come highly recommended," Sasuke continued, apparently oblivious to Sakura's inner turmoil. "And I haven't 'forwarded' anyone in years, so if you're lucky, my word will be enough to get you in with him."

"I'm sorry," Sakura sputtered out. "_Why_ am I being transferred?"

Sasuke heaved a long-suffering sigh.

"You really don't remember, do you?" At her blank look, he continued. "What did I tell out about charm and idiocy?"

"You said you only liked it when…_oh_." At the return of the memory, and despite her efforts to avoid it, Sakura could not stop the blush. "But I all but called you a self-righteous twit! I insulted you, and then I spilled water on your crotch."

She eyed him strangely.

"Is that, like, a mating ritual, where you're from? Does it go together with insulting your would-be paramour?"

Sasuke shrugged, unaffected by her sarcasm.

"We'll never find out if you stay in my class, will we?"

Sakura bit her lip, considering.

On one hand, he'd called her a moron, and intimated that he thought her little more than a fluff-filled airhead with more hair than sense.

On the other, she _had_ spilled water on his crotch. And she'd probably have the opportunity to do it again, if she saw him outside of the classroom.

With that happy thought, Sakura made up her mind.

In one swift movement, she dragged him forward by the tie he was wearing until they were sharing the same breath, as close to each other as they had been the night before. Sasuke didn't resist until the last moment, just before his lips would touch hers.

"I still think you're charming, you know," Sasuke murmured, his breaths falling on the seams of her lips.

Sakura was unimpressed. "Which is code for, _'I still think you're a moron,'_ right?"

He smirked, unrepentantly, as his eyes fluttered shut.

"You're learning," he replied, before closing the distance between their lips.

* * *

There is Tale One. I doubt very much that the others will be this long, though. :)

Prompt, by the by, was student/teacher.

Please, tell me what you think!


	2. tequila two

**title: **tequila two**  
main pairing:** SasuSaku.  
**side pairings:** SaiIno. NejiTen.  
**summary: **AU. SasuSaku."Oh God," she said in horror. "He _held my hair_ for me_._"  
**notes: **This took an absurdly long time to complete.  
**warning: **AU. Possible OOC? :D

**disclaimer: **_Naruto_ isn't mine.

* * *

"Yamanaka, would you kindly detach yourself from Sai before the rest of us in this vehicle die from asphyxiation? Your shamelessly incessant panting is taking up all our oxygen, and as it is currently raining, I refuse to let down the window. Besides," he continued, exuding disdain, "I'm tired of looking into the back mirror and seeing nothing but the two of you—how _do_ I put this delicately?—_suck face."_

Ino pulled back from her boyfriend with a smack that seemed designed to irritate Hyuuga Neji just that much further, and scowled irritably.

"Whatever, Neji," she said, managing to sound haughty even as she reached up to fix her now mussed up-do. She tossed her make-up case at Neji with little aplomb. "There's a pocket-mirror in there, so you can use _that_ to check on your stupid hair. And yes, you _are_ that transparent. Don't take your sexual frustration out on my new boyfriend and me. It isn't _my_ fault that Tenten decided to go out of state, and you have to wait a few months between each fu—"

"_Eating,_" Haruno Sakura piped up from Ino's other side, almost desperately. She waved the piece of fruit in her hand.

Uchiha Sasuke, who was currently driving, looked back at her through the rear-view mirror.

"If you spill anything," he began in warning, as he shifted lanes in order to pass a particularly slow Winnebago.

Sakura flushed—for reasons, Ino suspected from her place beside her, that were more associated with _whom_ was talking to her, rather than what was actually being said—before she gathered herself, and lifted the fruit in her hand so it was visible in the rear-view mirror.

"I'm eating a_ banana,"_ she reminded him. "What's there to spill?"

Neji snorted inelegantly. "I'm sure you'd manage somehow."

"Don't you take your frustration out on _her_, either, jerk," Ino said, indignant on her friend's behalf.

Sakura threw Ino a grateful smile, and mouthed a discreet _thank you_ as Neji huffed and turned around so that he was, once again, facing the road.

Sai smiled blankly, and from his place behind the wheel, Sasuke only barely resisted the urge to grimace. He knew That Look and it never went anywhere good.

"Did you know, Hyuuga-san," Sai began conversationally, "that the build up of seminal fluids can lead to an inordinate amount of pain? I hope that at the very least you have been—what is the phrase?—'cleaning out the pipes' in the wake of the absence of your primary sexual partner."

In the passenger seat, Neji released a strangled sound of repressed rage, and tried desperately to keep his face from turning a mottled red.

Ino was holding back gales of laughter, and Sai, who'd started it all, looked bemused at her reaction.

Sakura said nothing at all, but had the urge to smile when she looked up into the rear-view mirror, only to find Sasuke's eyes on her, his own lips quirked into a small, but unmistakable smirk.

She felt her cheeks warm, as she broke eye contact, content to watch the road pass her by. It was only the first hour, after all—there were three more to go until they reached their destination.

"This," she said softly to herself, "is going to be a long trip."

-

Tenten was waiting for them when they pulled into the parking lot of her apartment complex, hailed by Neji's phone call when they were blocks away. She looked on, clearly amused as the five of them spilled out of Sasuke's car, looking more than a bit dazed. After Ino had introduced Tenten to Sai—_"Please just excuse him if he says anything weird? I met him at a commune I had to visit for one of my Psychology classes; he's been isolated from the outside world for, like, ever."—_they set out for her apartment, with Tenten pointing out her usual haunts every now and then. She smiled widely when Neji presented her with the painting he'd purchased at a recent art exhibition near his college.

"Make sure you hang it straight," he said, as Tenten unwrapped the gift in the hallway before her apartment. "I thought it might particularly fetching in your bedroom, parallel to the antique headboard you told me about in your last missive."

"Why bother hanging it straight," Ino said, a wicked smile playing around her lips. "Especially when we all know that you two are going to break the bed la—"

"_Ino!"_ Sakura almost screeched, as Sasuke snorted, and hefted his bag over his shoulder.

Tenten looked unabashed, and merely smirked.

"Bitch," she said sweetly. "I knew I invited you for a reason."

Ino winked.

"_Aw._ I've missed you too," she said, giggling, as she snuggled into Sai's arm. Sakura rolled her eyes with the exasperated sort of fondness that came with the familiar scene in front of her.

"It really has been too long," she said wistfully.

"Can we continue the touching reunion inside," Sasuke said irritably, somehow managing to make his question a statement.

Tenten rolled her eyes, and pulled out her keys to open the door, and pulled Sakura aside as she was about to walk in.

"I know you're a smart girl, Sakura-chan, and I've missed you too," she said, "but I do not think much of your taste. Even if he does give Neji a run for his money in the looks department."

Sakura smiled weakly, unable to reply.

-

After they'd brought their things into her apartment, they sat down at her table to decide on what to do.

"It's a good thing you guys chose this weekend to come visit," Tenten said, sitting back in her seat.

"Why is that," Sai asked politely.

"My roommate, Temari's out of town," Tenten replied. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind it if _one_ of you took her room," she said, pointedly emphasizing the word _one_. "Sorry, Ino. If it's you, you'll have to go without the boy-toy tonight."

Ino stuck her tongue out playfully, in reply.

"But anyway," Tenten continued, "there's sightseeing, or eating, or drinking—" she said, as she reached over to tangle Neji's hand with hers. After a few initial moments of resistance, he seemed to surrender to her ministrations and allowed her to position their fingers as she wished.

"It's four-thirty in the afternoon," Sakura said dryly, from her seat beside Sasuke. She shivered whenever her leg brushed up against his, and hoped fervently that he didn't notice.

"So, what's your point? It is _after noon_, isn't it," Ino asked.

"Says the spokeswoman for AA," Sasuke said wryly. "Let's ask people who _haven't_ been arrested for DUIs in the past year, shall we?"

"You total _bitch_," Ino said indignantly, bristling. Sai watched her with casual interest.

"You have made her upset," he said to Sasuke, who only grunted in reply.

"All right," Sakura said, before a full-blown war could commence. "Let's just go see the sights, shall we?"

"Yes," Tenten said quickly, clearly thankful for Sakura's mediating presence.

_"Let's."_

-

They decided on spending half of the day touring the city, before returning for the dinner party Tenten had planned. It was Restaurant Week, and the seafood, she said, was especially good. Konoha was located near a particularly bustling seaport, and so there was never any question of freshness.

"But," she said, in mock warning, "I put an eight-pound pork shoulder to roast back at my apartment, so leave room for that, all right?"

Neji glared at them all, as though he expected them to refuse.

"Will eating it cause me undue pain," Sai asked seriously. "I am quite sensitive to most poisons, and Neji told us on the way that your—ouch. Sakura-san, why did you step on my—"

"Oh look, I love Italian ice! Let's go, Sai!" Ino pulled him away quickly before Tenten realized what had happened.

"That your food is delicious," Sakura said, laughing nervously. "Right Sasuke," she asked, looking to him for help. She was startled to realize that his eyes had been trained on her, and even more taken aback to note that even now, as she was looking at him, he didn't look away.

"Hn," he said finally, after a few more moments of silence. "I don't care."

With that, he turned to walk in the direction of the nearby harbor, leaving Sakura wondering after him, and Neji alone to face Tenten's—not-entirely tender—mercy.

-

It was half past eight o'clock when they returned to Tenten's apartment, and the setting of the sun was only beginning to darken the skies.

"Sakura," Tenten said, as Neji was berating Sasuke over the placement of the dessert spoons, and Sai was examining the drink mixer. She smirked almost wickedly, and continued, "I've decided that you aren't allowed to have water with dinner."

At this, Ino perked up, and added her own stipulation.

"In fact, house rules say that you aren't allowed to have anything but wine and cocktails. And," she said after a moment's consideration, "maybe the occasional shot."

Sakura's stomach, still half-full with stuffed crab, seemed to groan in protest.

"Guys," she protested weakly, "let's not do this to Sakura, OK? Her stomach's still a bit full, you know, and alcohol—"

"Makes you nothing short of ridiculous? Yeah," Ino said, smiling cheekily, "we know that."

"Come on," Tenten said. "We'll be the only ones here tonight. I threw this party together for you guys. What _could_ possibly go wrong?"

-

It was after the second shot of tequila that Tenten's words began to take on an ironic tang.

Ino and Sai had disappeared after dinner, intent on taking a walk in the park near the harbor they'd seen earlier in the day. Tenten and Neji had disappeared soon after dinner, ostensibly, Sakura thought, in order to reunite in private.

Which left her alone, with only Sasuke for company.

In the haze of her mind, Sakura clearly recalled that she should have been at least a little nervous in his presence. After all, this was the boy she'd wanted since the beginning of forever. _Or, at least_, she thought to herself, _at least since I first saw him_. She'd pursued him through middle school, her pink hair trailing behind her like a beacon, because it had been rumored that Sasuke-kun liked girls with long hair. At thirteen, she'd confessed her love to him.

At thirteen, she'd been summarily shot down.

She'd cut her hair at fifteen, still in love with him, but more solid—more staid. She liked to think her affection for him had matured the same way she had—had turned into something less like infatuation, and more like love. Outwardly, her advances had faded—to all eyes, her feelings for Sasuke had cooled to a deep friendship.

She was, she told herself, too smart to tell him otherwise—not again. One rejection was enough for her, and though his hadn't quite managed to drive out the remnants of that old affection, she hoped it had at least managed to destroy any delusions of reciprocation.

Even, she thought stubbornly, if there _were_ moments—like that morning's secret meeting of eyes, or countless instances where he'd defended her, where she'd thought there had been more than just apathy in his gestures—that told her it might be all right to hope for more.

Still, in the moment, it was hard to remember such things. Especially when he looked the way he did, distant and unaffected, in the soft light of summer. _It would have been so much easier to forget this_, she thought to herself, _if he wasn't so beautiful._

Sakura hiccupped as she staggered to Tenten's loveseat, and performed a half-swoon that left her half-lying face-first into the cushions. Her pink hair spilled over to the other half of the sofa, where Sasuke was sitting. At her display, he shook his head, but made no effort to help her sit upright.

"It's so much easier to fall in love at night, you know, Sasuke-kun? Under starlight and moonlight and candlelight—all sorts of light. You can't get that during the day," she mused thoughtfully, her voice muffled by a dark red sofa cushion. "I don't know what I'm even saying, anymore. It's easier to fall in love in the dark."

"And when you're drunk off three glasses of wine, two shots of Patron and a glass of strawberry daiquiri," Sasuke said blithely, his own cheeks still decidedly pale. His words brought Sakura out of her reverie.

"Yes," Sakura agreed. "Then, too." She sat up then, and frowned at the sudden rush the action brought. Her head began to throb, and there was a sudden sharp pang in her stomach.

She began to whimper in earnest when the pain seemed to spread, and her stomach began to feel uncomfortably full.

There was then, the sudden sensation of Sasuke rubbing her back. As if from a distance, she heard him wonder aloud what had happened to her.

Sakura tried hard to sit up, guided by his surprisingly gentle hands, and opened her mouth to answer, only to shut it in alarm when she felt her gag reflex working frantically to stave off the—unfortunately familiar, due to her inability to _hold her liquor—_urge to vomit.

The last thing Sakura remembered, before succumbing to the comforting arms of unconsciousness, was the look on Sasuke's face, mingled concern with an emotion she couldn't quite place.

In her last few moments, she could not help but hope that it wasn't disgust.

-

Sasuke stifled a sigh as he hefted Sakura over his shoulder, hoping that at the very least, she could hold back the deluge until after he could get her to the bathroom.

"The things I do for you," he said lowly.

He positioned himself behind her, and then situated her so that she was kneeling in front of the toilet. That much done, he proceeded to wake her up with little shakes. He knew it would be best to get it over and done with now, rather than wait until the morning, when her stomach was less full.

"Oi," he said, shaking her as roughly as he dared. "Sakura. Wake up."

After a few moments, Sakura seemed to come back to herself. She turned her head slightly to the side, so she could see him. Her eyes—bleary, and red-rimmed, but somehow, no less green—blinked at him, clearly disoriented.

"Sasuke-kun," she whispered. Immediately after, she turned away, and began the uncomfortable business of emptying her stomach.

Sasuke, for his part, bore it stoically, rubbing her back and holding her hair away from her face, so it was away from the line of fire.

Afterwards, he helped her stand, and gave her the pink and white toothbrush he knew belonged to her. While she did that, he flushed the toilet, and after a few minutes of searching, came out with the air freshener that promised—amidst violets and pop words—to "neutralize odors."

He passed her his mouthwash soon after, filled to the brim with green liquid. After a simple reminder for her not to swallow, he watched as she gargled and spat out the liquid into the porcelain sink.

As he turned her in the direction of the spare bedroom, she seemed to sink against him. With a resigned sigh, he lifted her up again, one arm cradling her back, and another behind her knees. She curled into him then, her hands resting at his chest.

"You know," she said suddenly, as he opened the door, her words slurring together until they were all but unintelligible. "I find you uncommonly attractive. Did you know that?"

Sasuke arched a brow at the mass of pink that seemed to have made itself at home in his arms. He found himself amused.

"Really," he said dryly, speaking mostly to the wet spot she seemed intent on leaving on his collar. What a coincidence—I find you uncommon."

She hiccupped a bit, and shifted in his arms, burrowing her face deeper into his neck, as he carried her into the bedroom beside Tenten's.

"You smell good," she said softly. "Like…buttercups, and citrus fruits, and Sunday mornings. I've always wanted…"

She trailed off then, and allowed her words to transition—almost gracefully—into a snore.

Sasuke shook his head, and bent to put her in the center of the bed. When he stood to leave, he found his progress impeded by the hand she'd kept fisted into his shirt.

Almost reluctantly, he disengaged, and left her sleeping, curled in the middle of the unfamiliar bed.

-

The morning came too early for Sakura.

She woke up alone with a splitting headache, and after one sniff of her clothing, she decided the smell was not to be borne. Sighing, she stood and collected her things from the hallway outside the room.

After brushing her teeth twice, and swiping some of Tenten's mouthwash, she ensured that her clothes were all still intact,_ thank you_—after all, she'd learned from the _last time _she went out drinking with Ino. She stripped down, and stepped into the shower, sure that it had never felt so good to lather up.

She went over possible scenarios in her head—what to do, what to say to Sasuke The Morning After.

After a moment, she snorted at the thought.

"I can't even have a proper one of _those_ with him, can I," she asked the ceiling, at once unsurprised and disappointed that no one answered her.

She stepped out of the shower, her mind jumbled but body cleaned, and dressed herself leisurely. No one would be awake at this hour, she knew—especially not after a night of alcohol.

Her morning ablutions thus completed, she plopped down on the bed again, not quite sure what to do with herself. Sakura rolled over to her side, wondering whether she'd dreamt what she thought she remembered.

"He held my _hair,_" she said, almost wonderingly. "_He held my _hair."

Instantly she sat up, as the truth of it hit her with unforgiving clarity.

"Oh God," she said in horror. "He _held my hair_ for me_."_

Her ruminations were interrupted by the sound of a knock at the door. Sakura held her breath as it opened to reveal Sasuke, looking at once decidedly awkward, and gorgeously sleep-rumpled in his black muscle shirt and blue shorts.

"Hi," Sakura said, a bit breathlessly. She wondered how one went about thanking someone for holding their hair back while they regurgitated half-an-organ.

"Maybe some sexual favors," she said aloud.

Sasuke gave her a strange look.

"Excuse me," he said blankly, before shaking his head. "Never mind, I don't want to know. I just came in here to make sure you hadn't drowned in your own vomit, or something."

"No," Sakura said, rather unnecessarily. "There's no vomit here. But I guess I should thank you for that, huh?"

At that, he did not comment. Sakura noted that he seemed perfectly content to continue staring at her. She found herself unable to read the look in his eyes.

"I," he began, his voice still raspy, still heavy with sleep. "I almost…slept here too," he said, gesturing to the bed she still occupied. "The couch-bed was a bit lumpy, and I wasn't going anywhere near the air-bed Ino was sharing with Sai. But I didn't want to be rude."

"I wouldn't have minded," she said quickly, before shutting her mouth, mortified at her fast tongue. _Oh God, did I just say that?_

Sasuke was giving her a strange look, and Sakura found herself unable to do anything but blush in response.

"I'm glad," he said in a way that made his words sound more like a question than a statement. "But my primary concern was for the sensibility of Tenten's roommate. I didn't want her to think something happened in her bed while she wasn't here."

"Oh," Sakura said softly. "Right. That's very nice of you, Sasuke."

He didn't acknowledge her compliment in the slightest. Rather, he only continued to watch her with those inscrutable eyes she vaguely remembered from the night before.

"You have a knack," Sasuke said, "for speaking normally unspeakable, awkward truths—that is, for a very unique brand of honesty. I learned that last night."

"Thank you," she said, unsurely. It sounded very much like a compliment, to her ears.

"It wasn't a compliment, just an observation. You probably still make people uncomfortable, don't you?"

Sakura's mouth twisted, even as she felt her face burn with her blush.

"In about the same way you do," she said serenely, and all too honestly.

The corners of his mouth quirked up, so that his lips curved _just so_. Sakura found herself calling it a smile.

"Touché," he said simply.

There was silence for a few moments, before Sakura, as was habit with her, decided to break it.

"So," she began, twiddling her fingers in her lap. "I guess I owe you for last night, huh?"

Sasuke snorted.

"Don't mention it—and I mean that. If you do, I'll deny it ever happened, and tell everyone you fell asleep in your own filth."

Sakura looked at him, and wondered if he was just joking. The words were harsh, but so too was Sasuke. She decided that it was only him.

"I hope it wasn't too much trouble. I don't want to be a bother," she went on, not quite knowing why she was pushing the topic. If his last answer was anything to go on, he was not particularly inclined to spare her feelings.

"You weren't a bother," he said, turning his head to the side so she couldn't see his eyes.

She smiled at that, pleasantly surprised by his words.

"Are you sure," she asked softly, averting her eyes from him.

"…Yes," he said, after a few beats. "I'm sure."

She looked at him then—hair-rumpled, and cheeks just slightly flushed, his eyes still drowsy with sleep. He'd seen her at her worst last night.

Suddenly, Sakura had a nervous thought.

"I didn't say anything silly last night, did I," she asked. "Oh God, I didn't, did I?"

At that, he turned to look at her.

"You said I smelled like buttercups and citrus fruits, and Sunday mornings," he recited tonelessly. "And that you found me—"

"—uncommonly attractive," she said, her eyes growing wide at the memory. At her reaction, he smirked.

"You remember," he said, almost teasingly.

"_Oh God," _she said in reply, before burying her face in her hands, clearly mortified by the drunken admission of sober truth.

Suddenly, the same hands that she vaguely remembered rubbing her back—the same fingers that had run through her hair last night, were pulling her hands away, and baring her flushed face to his dark eyes.

"And I," he said, so close they were almost sharing breaths, "I called you _uncommon_."

Despite her embarrassment, at his words, her brow furrowed in question.

"_That_ was a compli—"

And then, she couldn't speak, couldn't breathe, surprised by the sudden fleeting sensation of his lips brushing across her own. Her eyes fluttered shut despite herself, and she found herself following his lips blindly as he drew back.

She opened her eyes to find him looking at her in that indecipherable way she was becoming fast familiar with—a mixture of silent amusement, she gathered now, and that same look from the night before, the one she could not yet quite identify.

"Yes," he said, in response to her previous question. "Stupid girl."

Sakura felt the sudden urge to laugh. She placed her hands on either side of his face with gentle hesitance, unable to believe _this_ meant what she thought it did.

"I'm glad," he said, "that you brushed your teeth before I came in."

This time, Sakura did laugh even as she pulled him in for another kiss.

* * *

Shot Three is already plotted!

Thanks for the support on this one, guys! Please let me know what you think of this installment!


	3. tequila three

**title: **tequila three**  
pairing:** SasuSaku. NaruIno.  
**summary: **AU. SasuSaku. NaruIno. Sasuke, Sakura and a special sort of body shop. "I swear—this isn't what it looks like_._"  
**prompts:** my own instability  
**notes: **For Pinaface, who is celebrating her birthday today. I hope it's a good one, my daughter dear.

Guys, I honestly do not even know. I have long stopped questioning the things that pop into my tiny, tiny mind. I just write.

**warnings: **Um. There are mentions of indelicate things, like, say—sex toys. Also, obvious AU, and some OOC. Ha.

**disclaimer: **_Naruto_ isn't mine. The _Body Shop_ mentioned here is purely of my own creation and has no relation to the cosmetic shop of the same name.

* * *

"You can't make me do this," Sasuke said mutinously, for what seemed to be the tenth time.

_At least_, Naruto thought, sighing at his best friend's tendency towards dramatics.

"Of course not, Sasuke-teme," he said nonetheless. "But you did accept the bet you know—and you lost." He paused, to relish his victory. "Fair and square. It's only _fair_ that you take the consequences."

"That was before you told me the terms, dead last," Sasuke said simply, leaning back in Naruto's electric yellow recliner.

"Terms, perms," Naruto said, nonchalantly. "The point is, you lost, and—"

It was at this moment that Ino walked into the room, a glass of iced tea in one hand, and a magazine in the other. She kissed Naruto without looking—so that it landed closer to his eye, rather than his cheek—and sat next to him on the loveseat.

"Did I hear you say something about perms?"

Naruto grinned.

"Kind of—we were talking _terms_, babe"—and here, Naruto ignored Sasuke's mock-gagging at the nickname he gave Ino—"and Sasu-chan's just a little bit pissy. You know—since he _lost,_ and everything."

Ino arched a brow, but didn't look up from her magazine. "Ah," she said absently, "is _that_ why he's pouting?"

"I'm not pouting," came the automatic reply.

"No, you are," Naruto said helpfully. "Or well, you were when Ino said you were—now you're sulking."

"I'm not—"

"You shouldn't have made that bet with Naruto, Sasuke. You _know_ he can handle his alcohol better. Why you thought you'd be able to finish half a bottle of Hennessey before he did is beyond me—as is why you even bought into his silly little challenge."

"Hey," Naruto said. (_Petulantly_, in Sasuke's humble opinion.)

Sasuke smirked.

"Call it a momentary lapse in judgment," Sasuke said dryly.

"You're lucky you got to the bathroom before any of that noxious vomit hit my new carpets—I would have cheerfully skewered you with my new travel-sized eyeliner pencils." Ino flipped the page, turning to an article on crocodile farms as they related to_Hermès_.

"Babe, eyeliner's not all that sharp," Naruto offered from the sidelines.

Ino smiled patiently, by now used to Naruto's tendency to speak without thinking.

"And neither are you, darling—that was the whole point."

Sasuke waited for the insult to sink in—it seemed even _Ino_ was wont to taking advantage of Naruto's less than capable mental faculties when it suited her—and made himself comfortable in his seat.

"Hey," Naruto said, just as he was closing his eyes. "You're supposed to be on my side, here!"

"I can't be on anyone's side until you tell me what you want Sasuke to do, cupcake."

Naruto pouted at the diminutive nickname.

"You mean _beefcake_, don't you?"

Ino pursed her lips in thought.

"No, I'm fairly sure I meant cupcake," she said sweetly.

Sasuke resisted the urge to roll his eyes as Naruto's chest puffed out in indignation. He knew what this exchange meant. In a few hours—hopefully, _long_ after he was gone—they'd be going at it like rabbits in heat. Naruto and his blonde warden, Sasuke thought dryly, fought for the sole purpose of making up again.

"So," Ino continued, "what _does_ he want you to do, Sasuke?"

"Humiliate myself," Sasuke said, giving into the urge to rub his temples.

"Yes, yes I know," Ino said, without the slightest hint of sympathy. "But _how_?"

"I'm having him do you a favor, babe—"

"OK, Naruto," Ino interrupted. "Once was cute. Twice—not so much. Enough with the _babe_. Do I look like a wee little piggy to you? And Uchiha Sasuke, if you want to walk and not _limp_ out of this condo today, you will bite your tongue."

Sasuke smirked.

"It would have been too easy."

"Hey, don't insult her," Naruto said, punctuating his statement by pounding his clenched fist onto the coffeetable. At the act, Ino only barely managed to keep a straight face. She knew that Naruto's reaction was far more than a desire to defend her honor; he'd been itching to throw down with Sasuke since the results of their bet had been official—yet another opportunity to win bragging rights.

Ino turned her blue eyes onto her boyfriend.

"So what are you making him do?"

Naruto grinned widely.

"I'm making him return _LuLu_."

At the name, Ino's eyes grew wide.

"You're _what_," she shrieked. Without warning, she stood, upsetting the glass of iced tea and causing it to spill across the coffee table, where it soaked her abandoned magazine. At the sight, she grew only angrier.

As he heard the dulcet tones of Ino whaling on her defenseless boyfriend, Sasuke closed his eyes and began to drift off.

He'd always loved the sound of discipline in stereo.

-

Later, when Naruto had been given his icepack, and Ino's blush had diminished to controllable levels, Sasuke was able to pose his own question.

"What the hell is a LuLu?"

At his question, Ino's eyes narrowed in what Sasuke could only assume was annoyance. _"_Not that it's any of your business, but, as Naruto was so insistent that I tell you—and I don't know _why,_ as her existence only means he's not _doing it right_—_LuLu_," Ino emphasized, "is my pink vibrator."

Sasuke felt the sudden urge to laugh, and only successfully resisted due to his many years of repressing the sound. Normally he would have been disgusted by what he referred to as "TMI-itis," but this came at the cost of Naruto's pride. For that reason, and that reason alone, he would deal with it.

From his seat next to Ino, Naruto glared balefully at him, recognizing the look in his best friend's eyes.

"I see," Sasuke said tightly, giving Naruto a faux-sympathetic look.

In response, Naruto snarled.

Ino, correctly identifying the dynamic between the two, snorted. For a moment, Sasuke considered utilizing the barb he'd prepared earlier when Ino had asked her rhetorical question, but at the last second, desisted.

He rather liked his jaw where it was.

"You two," she drawled, "are impossible. Sasuke, get that smart-ass look out of your eyes. I used it pre-Naruto—"

"Not that I asked," Sasuke said, hoping he didn't look as nauseous as he felt.

"Anyway, I'd asked Naruto to return it, because it's not big enough"—here she ignored the sound of Sasuke choking on air—"but he's made up excuses every time. I think he wants me to use it while—"

"I'm going to go return LuLu now," Sasuke said, standing up. _Anything_, he thought,_ to get away from the explanation_. "If you could just…wrap it up—in ten different layers of anti-bacterial container—I'll be on my way."

As Ino went off to do his bidding, Naruto, who'd been scribbling on the back of Ino's magazine with a Sharpie marker gestured for Sasuke to read what he'd written.

"You want me to tell the shopkeeper _why_ I'm returning it," he intoned flatly. "And to pretend that it's mine."

Naruto nodded his head gleefully. Sasuke rather hoped it would fall off.

"And record it," Ino said, as she came out of the kitchen with an oblong package, topped, oddly enough, with a silken navy-blue bow. She pushed him to the door, just as she foisted both package and, Sasuke noted in disbelief, a _tape recorder_ into his lightly clenched fist. "And you'd better bring it—the recording _and_ the recorder—back intact. If you don't, I'll have Naruto send your mother those pictures from our college graduation—remember, Sasuke? When you tripped over that one conveniently placed stepstool and fell right into Sai's lusciously pale arms? _So_ lucky he was there to catch you. That was definitely a kiss for the ages, even if it was tragically cut short—"

"By my as yet unyielding disgust," Sasuke said menacingly.

Ino seemed unperturbed. "I think I remember Naruto telling me that Mikoto-san only _just—_"

"I'm leaving," Sasuke said tonelessly, as he shut the door behind him, cutting off Ino's explanation.

Moments after his footsteps had faded away, Ino turned to Naruto and smiled.

"I like to think we did a good deed today, don't you?"

Naruto snorted in reply, and considered the set-up.

"Yeah, maybe, " he said grudgingly.

"A good deed for that bastard, anyway. And, did you really have to hit me so hard? It's not like you were actually angry."

Ino shook her head, and reclaimed her not mostly-dried magazine.

"Oh shut up, it didn't actually hurt. I even put the note you wrote for him into the package like you asked," she said, flipping back to the crocodile article.

"You're sure Sakura-chan would be open to this though? We didn't give her any warning at all."

"She's always told me she regretted that not going anywhere," Ino said. "Maybe this'll give her a leg-up." At the look of pervy glee on Naruto's face, she scowled.

"Don't _even_."

-

Sakura was busying herself by blowing another puff of breath onto her bangs when the day's twentieth potential customer—and twelfth potential _pervert_—walked into the store, eyes shifting left to right every so often in a way that had long grown familiar to her. Not _everyone_ was comfortable in an erotic body shop after all.

The man was tall, lean-hipped and broad-shouldered, with fabulously pale skin, and dark mussed hair. _Not bad,_ she thought, wetting her lips. Oddly enough, he seemed familiar—that hairstyle was rather distinctive, what with those spiked tufts at the back, and those bangs on either side of his face…

Too bad he was probably insane.

"You do realize you're wearing a black trench coat in July, right," she asked conversationally. "And a green wool scarf, a purple fedora and…sunglasses? At least you've got that part right."

The man cleared his throat, and looked around furtively, presumably, Sakura thought, to make sure no one else was around—or, maybe to make sure he'd lost the guys in the white coats. She wasn't quite sure yet.

"I didn't want to attract any attention."

She hoped the blank look she'd pasted on her face was enough of an answer for that.

"I," she began under her breath, "am not going to touch that. Too easy." Aloud, she said, "Can I help you with something?"

-

Sasuke cursed inwardly at the sound of her voice. It figured that troublesome Ino would _have_ to have bought her…entertainment from the only store in the area where their old classmate, _Haruno Sakura_ worked—the same Haruno Sakura he'd started something with just before graduation, and had never quite gotten around to finishing. Wonders, he thought, would never cease. He hadn't figured her for the type to work in a place like this. It figured whatever deity was currently siding with Naruto wouldn't permit him to get through this little escapade with what was left of his dignity. The way things were going for him now, those remnants were going to die right along with his anonymity.

"I swear, this isn't what it looks like," Sasuke said, as he slid the bulky, hastily re-wrapped package closer to her side of the register with one hand. With the other, he reluctantly made sure that the recorder hidden in the depths of his coat pocket was turned on. He made an effort to sink into the folds of his scarf, ignoring the heat that suffused the back of his neck.

"Again," he began lowly, his cheeks tinged with the barest hint of red, as she unwrapped the package, taking care not to disassemble the bow, or tear the wrapper. After she'd set that aside, Sakura surveyed the product. At her incredulous look, Sasuke turned away. "This is really not what it looks like."

"Really," Sakura replied, her tone more than tinged with disbelief. It was, he decided, not nearly as shrill as he remembered it to be. "Because it _looks_ like you're returning a used vibrator. Didn't do it for you, huh? Was the dial stuck? Or maybe it was it the aesthetics—the pink ridges? The sparklies? _BigLove: Version Pink_ is one of our biggest hits—we sell out every month."

Sasuke weighed his mother's reaction to the picture of him pressed lip-to-lip with Sai, against the humiliation of admitting that a garishly-pink sex toy—which didn't even _belong to him_—wasn't big enough to suit his…fancy.

He was, Sasuke further decided, never making another bet with dead last Naruto ever again.

-

As she waited for Mystery Man to answer, Sakura pulled out a standard return form to put in the day's file. She filled in the product name, number, make and model, and tapped her pencil against the lines for _Reason_.

"It's not big enough."

The lead snapped.

-

She raised her head slowly, and stared him down. After a few moments, Sasuke began to feel uncomfortable and averted his own (still blessedly covered) eyes.

"We don't accept _used_ products for return," she said, her nose wrinkling in barely veiled distaste. "It's _unsanitary_, to say the least. More than that, it's on our return policy. Do you have your copy of the receipt?" At his—ostensibly—blank look (she couldn't tell through the sunglasses), Sakura's frown only grew.

"You don't have your receipt," she deadpanned.

"I didn't think I'd need one," he responded tonelessly.

In front of him, Sakura was gaping like a fish.

"You didn't think you'd—_you're trying to return a used vibrator!_ The hell you wouldn't need a receipt!" Almost as soon as her outburst was over, Sakura clapped a hand over her mouth, as though she couldn't quite believe that she'd said what she was (presumably) thinking, aloud.

"I apologize," she said, still flustered. "But as I've said, I can't allow you to return this item."

Sasuke eyed the pink flush on her face with rising interest. He'd never been able to turn away when someone told him he couldn't do something—a predilection, which had, admittedly, gotten him into this mess in the first place. And hell, he'd come this far—why not get what he came for?

He took off his sunglasses, and only barely caught her mouthing his name in recognition. It seemed she hadn't quite gotten around to forgetting him.

"Sasuke-kun…" The way she breathed his name aloud—light and gasping—almost made him smile.

"Sakura," he acknowledged. He hadn't forgotten her either.

She flushed red, and averted her eyes, determined to stare at anything except him.

"I, uh, didn't expect to see you here," she said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. Her eyes were focused on the stack of DVDs behind him, arranged neatly next to the novelty items. Then, as though she remembered the matter at hand, her eyes hardened and she turned to him.

"Be that as it may," she went on, "you still can't have the refund on your…toy." She turned back to the return sheet she'd started to fill out, and tore it to pieces in front of him.

This time, Sasuke did smirk. "What happened to 'the customer is always right'?"

"That only works," Sakura said sweetly, as she swept the pieces aside, "if the customer in question is mentally _fit_. You're walking around with a scarf in the middle July, and that electric green fedora is definitely channeling another era, if not another _planet_."

"So you're branding me insane based on what—my fashion choices? Or is there something else that's bothering you?" Sasuke was not too offended—the fedora was dead-last Naruto's and the scarf as a means of disguise, he saw now, had been entirely unnecessary. Not when it was Sakura.

Besides, the fedora had hurt his eyes when he first saw it, and the scarf had been itchy. It was something of a relief to take them off. He unbuttoned the trench coat, and exhaled in quiet relief as the air from the cooling system began to do its work. He kept his ear half-open through the monologue Sakura had started on as a response to his earlier question, picking out bits and pieces at random.

"…honestly, so campy…hot-pink…return-policy….perfectly acceptable, I'm surprised that _you _were surprised_…_common sense…And seriously, you could have at least had the decency to be gay in high school—maybe then I wouldn't have spent four years mooning over you like a love-sick cow."

"Were you love-sick, Sakura? Over me?" Sasuke leaned against the counter, the smirk playing on his lips only growing more apparent when she flushed at his proximity.

"That's not the point," she said hotly. "Didn't you listen to anything I just said?"

"Only the parts that interested me," he answered truthfully.

Sakura's lips pursed. Sasuke, not wanting to be indiscreet about his staring, determinedly fixed his eyes at a point somewhere over her shoulder, and away from her pouting mouth.

"Well," she said stridently, "I'll repeat for your benefit. As the manager of this establishment, I feel it necessary to tell you that according to the terms and services of _Body Shop—_which you implicitly agree to when you make your purchase—a customer is ineligible to both receive a refund, and or, negotiate an exchange on used merchandise, such as your own used…"

At her pause, Sasuke did look at her.

"My used _what_ Sakura?"

She looked at him, her eyebrows drawn together, her eyes flashing irritation, and her full lips curved in a small frown.

"You know very well what I'm referring to—_ack!_" The last part of her sentence turned into little more than a high-pitched squeak, as Sasuke suddenly grabbed her wrists, and pulled her closer to his side of the glass register until they were all but nose-to-nose.

"What," she asked softly, "do you think you're doing, Sasuke-kun?" Her bright green eyes were wide with surprise but she wasn't pulling away. "This is totally inappropriate, and I'm hardly going to change my mind because you're so…you're so...you. I mean, seriously, it's just—"

"Sakura," he said, his breaths falling on the seams of her lips.

"Yes," she said hesitantly.

"Shut up," he said, as he allowed their lips to touch.

-

Forgotten amongst the remnants of the wrapper that surrounded _LuLu_, was an abandoned note:

_Happy Belated, you uptight bastard!_

_Ino told me to pack a condom in there too, but I figured _

_why bother, when you're going to a—well, you know. You'll get to, uh, _

_choose your poison, or something._

_Anyway, fun with Sakura-chan—don't break too many handcuffs, 'kay?_

__

- Naru-baby, and Ino!

_P.S. When you get back, you can tell us who kisses better—that Sai-bastard, or Sakura-chan!  
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW. _

_

* * *

I hope it made you smile—if only just a little—in the way you wanted to today. :)_


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